More on this love.

18 Jul

love.

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it’s the joy of being lovesick, it’s the pleasures of loving You.”

Jesus, we sing songs about your love all the time, almost to the point where it’s become commonplace now. But what does love actually mean? What does it look like? Where did it begin? And why did You choose us, fickle and stubborn and headstrong humans who are so set on living life independent from You? And honestly Jesus, how do you deal with us? Any other man would have given up long ago. Any other man would have grown tired of their love not being returned, time and time again. Any other man would have left to go find a bride that would love Him right, would have created a new species in another universe and tried again to find a bride that would love Him as strongly as He does.

Any other man would have given up, but You are no ordinary Man. You are not subject to the hopelessness that permeates this world. You see what will happen and the unified bride that will be, and you still love us all that much more.

Oh this love.

28 Oct

I call it sleepy-happy-Jesus-mood.

That’s when you’ve just spent time in the prayer room or just meditating on the Word and even though you’re tired, you just can’t help but smile and snuggle in closer to Jesus. It’s when two hours later, after you leave the prayer room you’re still smiling and you can’t explain exactly why, just that Jesus is good. It’s the residual presence that still surrounds you, long after the music has faded.

It’s the smile-happy-for-no-reason-joy that comes with being romanced by the King of Kings, the Creator of the universe: it’s called love.

I kept asking what love was, what it looks like, what its supposed to feel like, and in His perfect timing, He swooped down and started me on this journey. It’s never ending and as long as i keep searching for more, I will never get bored of it. It’s a journey of searching out who He is and what He says and what’s on His mind. It’s a journey that brings tears, but is worth the temporary discomfort because I get to know what the Creator of the universe is thinking and what He thinks about me and how He sees others! It’s amazing and all i can do is smile.

What immense love.

I think i read somewhere that happiness is temporary, but joy is a life-style. I want to live and breath and feel and see and be surrounded by and enveloped by the joy of the Lord all the days of my life. I don’t want to search for fading happiness, I want joy and love that surpasses understanding to be part of my identity. I want it to dwell in my heart forever.

I’m in love with this Man!

the trouble with words

10 Oct

Some things are better off kept in the mind or spoken softly. Some things can be too painful to put into words. Though recalling those things verbally can bring emotions back, there’s something about writing them down that makes things appear much more bluntly, without a whisper to soften the blow.

Vulnerable, your words and feelings are put to paper, there’s no taking them away or retracting them. They stand exposed in the face of a chill wind. There’s nothing to block them from the force that is the human mind of remembrance.

Concrete, those thoughts become, as soon as the air hits them. They fall like cinder blocks to the ground with a great crashing. There’s nothing you can do once its committed to the page. Its there in your memory, that curve, that swoosh, that comma there, you can erase it but the dent will always be there. Every time you pass that page, you’ll know what used to lie beneath.

(adapted from a journal entry on 10-15-09)

college and just me and my life.

3 Sep

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So here I am, my first full week of college completed and yet I am still alive to tell about it.

I’m not exactly sure what I was expecting out of this whole “college thing” but I feel strangely detached from the whole experience. Kind of like my experience with high school prom-“is this the best that this world has to offer?” People keep telling me their college years were the best years of their lives, why do I have a feeling it’s going to turn out like prom and I’m going to be left dissatisfied. “is this what everyone was looking forward to?”

Maybe it’s because I commute, I’m not living on campus, so I’m not forced to make friends to be able to survive. I get to go home and talk with my friends just the same. At the end of the day I’m not searching to belong somewhere, I already belong where I am now.

Maybe it’s because college is a definition of the culture of the world–drunken, self-serving, disconnected, impulse-driven. What part of that was supposed to sound exciting? Why am I supposed to want to be a part of that?

Now maybe I’m only seeing the surface, maybe they’re are good people in college who love God and have a relationship with Him, but why do I have a strange feeling that all the radical sold-out people I associate myself with are sitting in the prayer room sacrificing their time that way instead of wasting it on worldy education? I definitely feel sometimes like I might be wasting my time here, can’t I just live in the prayer room for the rest of my life? Surely you don’t need a college degree to do that? But at the same time I’m also called to reach out and be light on the campus. I know it. Its what I was created for, and it stirs my heart to intercession. But how can I do that when I’m looking at the world through a glass, through a window?

Like the Justin Rizzo song “Living For Another Age”–“this world has nothing i desire besides You…i am a stranger here, a pilgrim here and I’m living for another age” I feel like a stranger in this world and nothing can satisfy my longing to be fascinated. I’m a stranger passing through,  how am I supposed to minister to people? If I’m living for the coming age and my eyes are fixed on eternity, how am I supposed to notice the people hurting around me?

It’s a conflict in me that comes with agreeing to follow Jesus upon the mountains of difficulty and trial. I’ve already cried three times since I’ve started school. He never said it would be easy to follow Him, to take up my cross, its heavy and awkward and bears down on me. I just want to be able to say at the end of this: If you see my Beloved, tell Him I am lovesick!

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20 Aug

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Aside

A Prayer to keep burning.

10 Aug

Jesus keep the flame of my heart ever alight, ever glowing, ever breaking through the darkness. Jesus let me burn without burning out. I don’t want to end up a tired pile of ashes, but keep me burning so that I grow stronger not weaker. Refiner’s fire..continue to test me and take me through the valley, only if I can come out leaning on my Beloved.

Keep Me Burning

6 Aug

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I painted this during a set this past Thursday. I started this painting right on the heels of some major inner-heart healings only a few minutes before. So it was freeing to be able to express my thanks to Jesus for breaking down walls in my heart by painting.

I have this weird way about me when I paint. I never ever have a picture in my mind before I start or a certain color scheme. If I try to paint the image in my mind it never comes out right, so I stick to letting Jesus guide my hand and the colors that appeal to me at that very moment.

For this one there was this blood red color that stuck out at me, almost like the blood of Jesus that washes away all fear and doubt in me. I also picked this light metallic gold color and when I mixed them it created this really cool marbly effect that looked like fire and from there I went.

Once I was finished, (that’s another thing i do, I always wait till after its completely done to name it) I decided to call this one “Keep Me Burning” like the song Obsession by Chris QuilalaOh forever keep me burning with the fire of your love.” I want Jesus to keep me burning from the inside out so I’ll be a shining light to others.

I want to burn like God was in the burning bush, a consuming fire that never goes out.